It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
