we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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