idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
