mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
