I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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