she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
