Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
