Banned from zoo.
Again?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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