The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
