dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
did i just pee glitter
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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