I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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