The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
