Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We have started to decorate penises.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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