they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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