yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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