I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
