just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i think i just lost a toe
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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