he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
