hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
