I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
