ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
