Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
