Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
