I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
