Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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