I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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