Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
whose parrot is this?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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