This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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