I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have fence marks all over my body
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
