I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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