Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
