he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
