i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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