worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
