Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
