Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
