if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
