you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
