Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
