stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
