I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
