Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
