i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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