Screwed.edu
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
