the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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