I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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