guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
