I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
