you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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