I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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