I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
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I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
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I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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