i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
