So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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