Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
