I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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