Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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