ya dads aren't the best wingmen
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
