be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
