It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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