I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
